my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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