I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
