some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
