i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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