you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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