Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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