the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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