this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
