if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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