I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
