Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
