Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
