Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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