I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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