Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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