I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
