I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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