i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
