Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Randomize
