who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
