I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
