When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Randomize
