She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
