you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
