those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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