i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
