I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
