Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
