I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
