I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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