Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I fill condoms, not promises.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
