ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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