so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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