Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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