nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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