You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
