she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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