guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
