hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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