never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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