You're earring is so big in my mouth
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
