I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
it's like iHOP with fire
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
