is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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