hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
