My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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