Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
