I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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