Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
