do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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