Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
